RYM TYM Radio/TV Talk Show

  • Conflict In Your Friendships or Relationships with others Because Of New Boundaries

    One of the most common difficulties heard about when people make changes such as implementing boundaries and basically treating themselves with love, care, trust, and respect, is that they discover that where they may have lacked boundaries with their relationships, there have also been issues with their friendships.

    Even if you've had a lot of the same friends for a very long time, which is fortunate, but when you learn to love yourself even more, it turned out that you had been giving shelter to ‘friends’, who like Mr Unavailables, detracted and relied on you in being someone who didn’t always act in your own best interests.

    Examples: The friend or family member who is angry because after countless times of them using you like a taxi service at all hours, you’ve finally said NO.

    The friend or family member who asks if you can keep an eye on their child one evening and then drops the child around every evening…without asking, assuming that you wouldn't mind until you finally inform them that that is not acceptable without respectfully asking you to make sure.

    The friend or family member who gets angry because they made plans, assumed you would do a task for them, and then is surprised when you say NO.

    The friend or family member who just assumes you’ll pay for everything all of the time and won’t put their hand in their pocket and then gets mad when for the first time, you rightly ask them to pay for their own share.

    The friend or family member who loves telling you who you should be and gets mad at you when you won’t follow their advice, even though it may not be in your best interests. Not accepting you for who you are or wanting you to change who you are to their satisfaction. Or just wanting to have say in who you should be in order for you to fit in better into their or someone elses small world.

    Change is not something that just affects you; it has a ripple effect on the relationships attached to you. There are relationships that will embrace the difference in you and be happy that you are taking care of yourself even if it impacts on things that you may or may not do as a result of it.

    There are also other relationships where the person will feel inconvenienced, threatened, or confused – these people see you changing as something that negatively impacts on them. It could be that it casts an uncomfortable light on them forcing them to see their own behaviours, or that it makes them feel left behind in your old life, that they feel inconvenienced because you are not as amenable (easily controlled or more cooperative) as you used to be, which now makes it much more difficult for them to take advantage of and abuse you, or they feel inadequate and are scared they will lose you and so they put up resistance against your change, against the new you or the you in which they never allowed themselves to get to truly know or accept.

    In some instances, you may have been heavy handed with boundaries, something that can happen when you feel like you’ve been a yes person and temporarily see saying yes, even if it’s to something good, to turn out to be as some sort of negative, because of the problems it begins to create after a while or even at first.

    You can also find that some friendships and family members are emotionally demanding with too many expectations that cross into your boundaries and it’s important to put some distance and establish boundaries to stop or avoid co-dependency and control, which displays lack of respect for who you are and choose to be as an individual person who has established for their life needed boundaries, discipline and guidelines that even your friends and family members should have no issues with honoring and respecting.

    Boundaries are there, not to trap you in chains and shut people out, but to free you to enjoy a positive, healthy experience in line with your values that let’s you love, live, and like without lacking self-esteem.

    If your boundaries keep certain people out that’s OK – they’re supposed to. You’re not a free for all!

    If you’ve not had boundaries and surrounded yourself with people who have at best taken advantage of your lack of boundaries, and at worst, abused them, then yes, initially when you live your life with boundaries there is going to be a short-term knock-on effect. It’s tough, but it’s life.

    If these people resist the fact that you are not prepared to allow yourself to be abused, taken advantage of, and do anything that feels at odds with your own personal happiness, it’s because a you with boundaries doesn’t work for them. Which is too bad.

    While there is always room for compromise with any relationship (not just romantic), if you are compromising where it causes you to compromise yourself and to avoid conflict and hold on to friends or family members, then this is not a healthy compromise.

    Friends, such as in a romantic friendship, should not require you to be compromised so that they can be happy, whether that’s because they blatantly (offensively) expect you to do it and demand it, or because you compromise yourself so you can hold on to these type of friendships.

    It’s dangerous to be in a romantic relationship because you’d rather have them on any terms rather than none, the same applies to a friendship and a family member relationship.

    At what cost are you prepared to have people around you that you can bag and tag as pseudo (artificial, insincere, non genuine, fake, pretend, deceptive or phony) friends? Not suggesting that you shouldn’t have friends – Only saying that just like relationships, make better choices and carry yourself authentically and down to earth, as an loving individual with some valued boundaries so that you can have a better quality of friends otherwise you will end up with inauthentic friendships or a certain type of negative people in general in your circle.

    If when you come up against resistance from a friend or family member because you’re not prepared to do something it translates to, ‘They are mad at me because I won’t do something that I’m really uncomfortable with and it would have me living outside of my values’, then you have to stand behind your decision. While you can of course, look for a healthy compromise. But if they’re asking you to do something that is fundamentally wrong for you, then no compromising at all should take place, just don’t do it.

    Really, the same core things apply at the heart of any type of relationship – there needs to be boundaries in every last relationship that you have – not just romantic. Your boundaries are basically your personal electric fence and you consciously and subconsciously use these to navigate everything from work, family, friends, acquaintances, strangers etc.

    Like all relationships, shared values are what will actually tie or bond your relationship and cause it to endure. As discovered in becoming a mother, it takes more than procreating around the same time, getting a c-section scar or some vaginal tears, and having a child, to give you something in common with another person!

    Just like when you’re in the diffterent types of relationships, you could share a gazillion interests but if those values are off, that person will leave you feeling confused or if you try to swing over to their values corner, it can have you acting out of sync with your usual and familiarly known self. Who wants to fake it. As for me, I am not good at pretending, it will show up in my atititude, my facial expression or in the tone of my voice as well as in the words I speak when expressing myself. The real you will later be exposed, it could never stay hidden forever. I will easily expose my self, when not being the true me. So I have to keep it real by continuously being me. My staff and my bosses have had the opportunity to get to know me for who I truly am as a woman not only of authority, but also as an individual who freely gives out the same respect, love, concern, treatment and consideration to others in which I expect, deserve and demand the same to be returned. I am very good at what I do, I admit I can get a little lazy at times and have my ungrateful moments, which are not good, but I can truly say that I Martha Wooden, am very good at what I do. Let me re·phrase this; what i am trying to say is that I at times want to be lazy and I at times feel like doing nothing, but my children, my lifes goals and my job doesn't allow me to go in that direction, which is a wonderful thing, it all keeps me going and keeps me on my feet in a very postitive way. They all are in high demand of my time, my gifts and my attention. Make a choice to willingly get along with anyone, even the most difficult person can be won over, although we may not always be up for the challenge. It can feel like a waste of time when dealing with someone who refuses and who has made a bad choice for whatever the reason may be to become a difficult person. If it doesn't work out, hey, at least you tried to get along with them. No we are not perfect individuals, but it helps to make yourself more and more aware of you and your carefully illustrated everyday actions in your dealings with others. We should put a command on ourselves.

    Your mission and purpose is to learn how to do better and better by one another, which can only begin once we are open and willing to do the necessary work that is needed to create and continue the peace that has already been freely given to us all which only needs to be re-connected starting from one person to the next. Doing unto others the same as we would want others to do unto us, with a mature level of knowledge and understanding as to how to sucessfully execute this action is what is require of us all.

    It may not be easy to give out the benefit of the doubt and many chances to someone who may willingly show lack of interest in wanting to get things right, but at least you didn't give up so very easily on them. Not saying that you gave up at all, you just had to take another type of tough love approach. It proves that you allowed yourself to show mercy, patience, compassion, sympathy, unconditional love, empathy and great concern towards them and the situation. Ignoring and crossing the boundary lines that are set in place for many reasons by others should not be disrespected or crossed willingly. We all experience temptations and trials in our lives which may come from circumstances that may involve food, finances, our health, family, friends, strangers, others as well as ourselves and whatever else. Some of us pass the temptations and trials that come before us and some of us fail. Some of us quickly learn the life lessons or get the message that comes from the experience of trials and temptations. There are some of us who will over time get the message and learn what may be needed, but there are also some of us who may never get the message nor learn the life lesson needed that may come from the many experiences of trials and temptations. Who wants to see the other side of a person whom you are used to displaying kind, respectful, caring, fair and loving behavior towards you. Realize that this person has control and discipline when it comes to how they display their disposition, concealing so very well that negative side of them, but can also allow that side of them which is not often seen by others to be revealed and be put on display if they truly wanted to while being in the midst of experiencing pressure and challenges while dealing with negative situations or while dealing with negative people. No one else should have to feel your wrath when you are not experiencing a good day, you are entitled to get angry but you should not want to take it out on the rest of the people that exist in this world whom surrounds you. Instead put forth the greatest effort ever to try with all your might and with the will power that is hidden deep inside you to stay positive and optimistic towards life and towards others, which of course is not always a very easy task especially when those negative emotions try so hard to over power you. Showing some discipline in regards to your mood swing, emotions and actions that are revealed to others when you are experiencing a good day as opposed to when you are experiencing a bad day.

    This is a known truth; how old you are does not at all determine where your level of maturity is. You can lack wisdom, knowledge and understanding at any age.

    I can be stubborn to the core of my being, which can have a negative impact on your life as well as positive, depending on why you are allowing yourself to be so stubborn. The positive side of stubborn, you are not easily pursuaded or influenced by others, especially in a negative way, this character trait can somehow shield, cover or protect you. The negative side of being stubborn, although not occuring all the time but you can find yourself challenging almost everyone even the person that may know what they are truly talking about or knows what they are truly doing, which can make you miss out on great opportunities in getting to know someone who could have been of positive assistance to you in some sort of special way. Although I have accepted this stubborn trait which makes me who I uniquely am, I believe that this trait is there for a good reason. How you decide to be the you that you truly are is totally up to you. Establish boundaries not only for others to honor and respect, but also for yourself so that you can show respect, honor, discipline, love and control towards self for your very own personal life. I asked God why did He create me to be so stubborn? Did you or is this a trait that I somehow ended up with? Just was wondering....

    I also realized that I am operating in a similar way as my dad use to. One thing I loved about how my dad was was that people respected him which showed a sign of fear towards him, which is not in a negative way a sign of others having a great deal of respect and honor towards you. He was looked upon and treated as a man who walked in great authority and dominion over all things in this earth. He reminded me of the godfather when I was younger. Whomever was angry with him because of who he was and how he presented himself as a person with power, authority and confidence, was just going to have to be angry or bring order to themselves. They had no other choice but to fall in line with the divine power and position that God had bestowed upon his life in this world among them. There was nothing that not one person could do about it, nothing. That is exactly how I saw people behave towards my Dad. Known as by others as well as by his family members, to be a powerful man of God.

    Now getting back to what I was originally discussing in this Blog Talk:

    Any relationship as well as established Friendships even when you’re dating, require you each to behave with integrity, to act with care, to act with trust and be trustworthy, to show loyalty, to be respected and respectful. You may not ‘love’ someone that you are friends with (unless you’re close friends) but that doesn’t stop you from acting with the same care and consideration that you would expect for yourself.

    Mutual understandings established in a romantic relationship can make that relationship very sucessful, more agreeable, more loving and tolerable, but not all friendships are created equal and built to last. People have friends for various different reasons and which may not actually be aligned with your own reasons and also which may have different ideas of what they feel constitutes a friendship – this is a classic example of different values. If their idea of a friendship is one where they wield (hold, exercise or control) power over you and step all over your laid out boundaries, it is not a friendship that you should want to be involved in.

    Proceed with caution with any ‘friend’ who pulls the whole ‘If you were a real friend, you’d do X, Y, Z’ because....... and just replace ‘friend’ with ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ or the type of 'family member' and listen to how crass (ignorant, stupid, tasteless, insensitive or thoughtless) that sounds.

    That said, when you are making big changes in your life, it’s important to recognise that not everybody will be on board or some will not quite be at the same pace. You have to manage your change.

    This doesn’t mean to beat around the bush with your friends or family member because at the end of the day, you’re entitled to act with love, care, trust, and respect, but recognise that it may take a bit of time for some to ‘acclimatize’ (adjust, adapt or become accomodating) to the new you. It won’t necessarily be that they want you to not act in your best interests but it may be that they have become uncertain about where they fit in, with you.

    While you addressing your own needs may feel all consuming to you and a major priority, it may be difficult for some friends or family member to feel it to the same extent. They may not ‘get’ what you’re going through especially if stuff like having boundaries and living in line with their values is foreign to them. Talk to them, tell them what you’re experiencing. When you explain, don’t do it to seek validation because it’s up to you to be behind your decision but tell them because you want them to continue to be a part of your life.

    However one common mistake that people make is trying to get their friends or family member who they deem to need changing too, to adapt with them – be careful of preaching your new gospel as at times it may inadvertently come across that you’re ‘down’ on their choices. May come across as if you are being judgemental.

    Sometimes when you say NO, it’s not because of any particular boundary per se; it’s because for whatever reason, you don’t want to do it. It could be that it is inconvenient, it could be that you don’t like whatever it is that’s being asked or expected, and sometimes, you just don’t want to. Sometimes we don't always know why we don’t want to do something.

    If you can on balance, reflect and say to yourself that there are plenty of other occasions that you have said YES, then that’s OK. We don’t have to do everything that everyone asks of us. If you’re saying NO for the sake of it, while you’re entitled to, recognise that if it’s a reasonable request, you may come across as being ‘unfriendly’. Although you are entitled to deciding for yourself, it is your own preference.

    But remember that if you have trained people to expect a YES from you, it will surprise them when you say NO. In their mind, they will have already planned around gaining agreement from you, so it will ‘mess up’ their plans. They will have to adapt. That doesn’t mean you should do it – no friend or family member has any right to expect that you will do everything that they ask but step into their shoes from a moment and recognise that they’re not ‘used’ to a you that says NO, whether it’s because you just don’t feel like it or because it goes against your values and would have you feeling very uncomfortable.

    One of the best things that you can do to manage the changes with your friends or family member is to be up front. It doesn’t mean you won’t experience resistance and tension, but it will save the changes from feeling sudden and aggressive. For example, for the person who expects the friend or family member to pay for everything, drop it into a conversation before you are out that you won’t be paying for it this time, that way they can choose whether they still want to go out. Yes it will hurt if they no longer want to do something because you won’t pay, but at least you’ll know where you stand with them.

    If you know that you have some shady friends or family members, take precaution and put your foot down very firmly and don’t lose sleep over explaining why. But if they are fairly decent friends or family members and you’re surprised by their resistance, explain your position. But remember, you shouldn’t have to justify why you’re treating yourself decently and people who genuinely care about you, will adapt to your boundaries in time. Be yourself consistently and they will get used to it but do recognise that if you have unhealthy relationships with some that they may not survive your changes. However, much like a toxic relationship, it’s not healthy to hold on to a toxic friendship or (although this may be your family) even a toxic family member.

    Choose wisely for yourself and remember that boundaries are set in place to protect you and to help others to respect and honor your choices, your space and your life in a much better way with them also needing to gaine the right understanding and knowledge as to why this is so very important to you and for your positive growth as a driven unique individual, who has direction and purpose for your life.

    Make sure that you greatly enjoy the music that is posted and shared on this site, old and new. And also greatly enjoy the encouraging Video messages as well as the inspirational songs along with RYM-TYM's bold Blog Talks all shared just for you.

    Enjoy the FREEDOM to uniquely live, to uniquely be you and to uniquely express yourself. Those of you who are truly knowlegeable with a great understanding of the importance of what LIBERTY truly is for you as an individual while living in your personal life experiences.

    It is so very great and worth every bit of the time and effort that is put forth in GIVING out respect, love, peace, concern, compassion, sympathy, empathy and kindness ect., to others and to receive it as a return. REAPING WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN! WHEN YOU LOVE, YOU GIVE, GIVE, GIVE..........

    Will talk to you again real soon, bye bye for now good people!

    UNCONDITIONAL LOVE INFLUENCE....click on this link to read 1 CORINTHIANS 13

    Martha Wooden (RYM-TYM & OH! RADIO SHOW Creator/Host)

    Remember to keep Smiling GOD LOVES YOU and I-I-I-I do too.....

    God's love is A genuine, unconditonal, very special, unique to you and a very personal LOVE that you would never have to question or doubt.

    Thanks much for visiting, viewing, listening and reading


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